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In all the struggles of the world at the present time, especially the grief, anger and renewed trauma of our Indigenous brothers and sisters as more Residential School gravesites are discovered, it is time for us to listen, learn and support them.  We have seen the news reports, witnessed the protests and gatherings and may be in shock ourselves at the atrocities that occurred.  So what does this mean for us      – how can we offer support.  Right here in West Kelowna, we have direct contact with and many live on Indigenous land.  Here are some of my thoughts.

As we witness the struggles of those who are experiencing the darkness of grief – having empathy, is the deepest form of emotional and spiritual interaction you can have with someone, regardless of who they are. By hearing a person’s words of pain and loss with an open heart, only then can you be a human presence to bear on the others experiences.  We must not judge, but to hear and be taught by the person in grief in order that an environment where healing can begin, will be created.  Many are afraid to go this far because they may fear that it may regenerate our own personal painful feelings.  If we allow those feelings to flow through us, then we can give a precious gift as a compassionate companion.  It’s all about compassion.

Actively expressing compassion, what may be termed empathy, means that the caregiver is attentive and involved in the process of exploration of “feeling” their pain and listening.  Platitudes like “I know just how you feel” is not enough.  Trying to make the person feel better, some might say “It could be worse” instead it denies their experiences; or we might try to solve their problems with “Here’s what to do”; or minimize their entire experience or compare it to something else with “You think you have it bad”.  There is a difference between empathy, which means to “feel with”, and compassion, which is about “feeling for” another person.  And then there is sympathy, which is a feeling of concern for someone without becoming involved in a close, helping relationship.  It stops just short of empathy.

In the case of the Residential Schools, the Anglican Church has formally apologized first in 1993 with Archbishop Michael Peers, Primate and another formal apology in 2008 from Primate Fred Hiltz, as well as an apology in 2019 for the Spiritual Harm caused by the Residential Schools.  Bishop Jim Cruickshank, of the Diocese of Caribou also apologized on behalf of his church and in the litigations that arose, the Diocese of Caribou, ceased to exist.  I have included part of a letter that Archbishop Lynne has provided as an update as to where the Anglican Church is, what work has been done and is ongoing in this Angelus.

I have heard many say “We have apologized and apologized, it’s time they get over it and move on”.  It’s time for us to get over ourselves and take responsibility for what we have done.  As whites, we are no better than anyone else.  There is a saying that God gave us two ears and one mouth!  It is now time for us to listen with both our ears, hear their stories and feel the pain! 

I have on a number of times told you of an Indigenous fellow I met and listened to his story and cried with him.  His name was WILLARD   .  Willard was taken from his parent’s home when he was 3 yrs old by two white men.  He didn’t know why, and couldn’t understand what was being said (English).  His parents were crying and calling out to him.  He had a long ride and eventually arrived at a big stone building.  Other children were being brought there also, Indian children he said.  They were taken to a big room with lots of beds, his clothing was taken and they were given white man’s clothes.  Nobody else could understand the whites and so they would talk in their own language.  If they were caught they were lashed with a belt, sometimes tillthey bled.  Other times he was put in a dark closet and couldn’t get out for a long time.  He was hungry and thirsty and wanted his parents.  When he got older, about eight, the white men would do things to them.  If he disobeyed or didn’t respond fast enough, he’d get beaten and sent to the head master, another white man.  Not only did the Head Master beat him, he also did things to him.  This was a regular occurrence not only with him, but others too.  When he got bigger and older in his teens, he would try to fight back, but that only made things worse.  (By this time, I was feeling sick, but stayed with him).  Willard said when he was 15 or 16, he didn’t know is own age by then, he was told he had to leave.  He had no where to go, but found his way back to his clan (tribe).  He was shunned by them because he was now white and was banished.  He managed to hitch a ride in the back of a white man’s truck (wouldn’t let him in the vehicle) to Vancouver.  He had no money, knew no one, lived on the street until another Indian found him.  He had to steal food, collected pop bottles, stole liquor when he could (did jail time for that).  Was drunk all the time then found drugs and started them, marijuana mostly.  The next time he was in jail, he made a decision.  He didn’t want to live like that any more.  He wanted to get better and try to help others like him.  Fortunately, a jail guard told him where to get help.  He got cleaned up, went to social services and asked what he had to do to help others.  They were not very helpful, so he decided to do it on his own.  He earned some money, just enough to buy food and lived with a group of others he helped along the way.  At the end of his story, we were both in tears and he thanked me for listening and was very pleased (big smiles) when I told him he was doing a very brave thing and was on the right track.

So, there it is, we need to listen and walk with them.  That is the art of Pastoral Care.